ok, so it's a work in progress.

i don't really have the patience for photoshop 7 (someone please give me CS2, i will settle for CS. just GIVE IT TO ME) right now to make a background, but i think i might like to use my digital self portrait as the layout... soon, children, soon i might be inspired.

it's finals week, though, which means inspiration is on vacation.  graduation is on saturday.  sad, scared, unpreprared feelings creep in from time to time, but mostly i am excited, happy, and ready to get the F outta school.  5 years later.

people keep asking me what i'm going to do with my degree, and i keep telling them "i'm going to put it in a frame and hang it on my wall"  i don't think a lot of them think it's funny, though.

i'll probably start looking this winter, if something magnificent like marrying a doctor or winning the lottery doesnt happen.  please, happen, magnicifent thing, please.

i feel like the girl from wonderfalls, only with less of the talking inanimate objects.  if you don't know what i'm talking about, watch the show.  it was good.  amusing, at the least.  but, yes, good.  but apparently my opinion differs from that of the majority of people including but not limited to those who make decisions to cancel shows.

anyways,  why am i blogging again?
top 2 reasons include having some free time (kind of, i do have other things to do but i am procrastinating.) and feeling emotionally secure enough to "get back out there, tiger."  others include thinking that since i didnt write for such a long time, i may have shook any stalkers i had (probably not true), and need for a creative outlet somewhere, now that school is over.

i guess the only thing i have to rant about right now is my cycle of relationships and my overwhelming desire to take control of it and put it to a fucking stop.  here's how the cycle goes, at least for the past few boyfriends i've had.

mer meets boy in spring time,
boy and mer fall in love, are very happy through spring and summer, frolicking in the sunny fields of love and sex and happy shiny bunnies.  fall arrives, sometimes mer makes a stupid desicion like moving in with boy because they are so sublime nothing could ever go wrong in happy lala land, sometimes she doesnt, but either way, she goes into the dreary months of winter nonethewiser that her doom is silently approaching.  then somewhere between samhain and yule (halloween and xmas for the less-pagan-folks) things start to crumble and fall apart.  usually by xmas but sometimes much earlier, mer and happy lalaboy are at each others' throats, and heartbreak ensues.  sometimes mer moves out by january, sometimes she doesnt, especially in the instance in which their apartment contains two bedrooms.  but, the moral of the story, here, kids, is mer can't make it past xmas with springtime lalaboy.  EVER.

why is this concerning to this oh-the-woman-who-swore-off-men-for-a-long-long-time?  BECAUSE THERE'S ANOTHER FUCKING LALABOY.  now this lalaboy is different, mind you, but mer says that about every happy lalaboy in the spring time, because mer is happy lalagirl in the springtime, thusly impairing her pessimistic-winterish-logic.  this lalaboy if different, i digress, because i have known lalaboy for almost 10 years.  lalaboy and mer dated a longlong time ago and these things have become water under the bridge.  (can i just make a sidenote here for those of you who know who lalaboy is?  DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME! A-HOLE! )  this is concerning to me because 1. it's springtime, and lalaboy is lalalalaing around me with his lalalove, all the lalaing time, 2. i lalalike it. and 3.  even though i am a little for the wiser now, i am terrified of committment, already becoming possessive, but guarded and possibly even resistant to the lalalove, because of the tragedies that have befallen my lovelife in the years past.  i'm one of those cases where your girlfriends go "aw, honey, give him a chance, what if he's the one?  you're never going to be happy if you don't just let go and let yourself be happy."  and i proceed to bite their heads off and suck the blood out of their gaping neck holes, and cackle a loud thunderous laugh of doom afterwards.  sigh.

LAMENT.

drunken text message professions of love do not help.

no, they do not.

but i'm sure neither do kisses for lalaboy's birthday present, either.  they only encourage the drunken love professions.

i have to get ready for work.

blackberry brambles (the uninterrupted version)

so it's one of these days again
when sky is grey, but sun is persistant
makes it unusually warm.
angel rays like shards of what we can't have

caress.

like the bittersweet wind against dead leaves
that should long ago have fallen
from tangled branches of approaching spring.
dapples of orange light blind me

dance.

the time progression of decay
of plant matter now wet, brown, and squishy.
the melting snow reveals secrets
that were once buried deep within a heart

sting.

like thistle trodden on by these bare feet
one must make this muddy journey
though they cut deep, these blackberry brambles
surrounding the path before me

rebirth.

all my seed pods have gone to waste
they lie unopened in the place i left
for this voyage i am taking
out of this darkness and into Her light.

as
a wannabe poet i have to inform you that the beats in the verses go: 8,
10, 8, 10 and the next 10, 8, 10, 8, then reverse again.  because you
wouldn't appreciate it unless you knew.  and god damnit i want people
to appreciate it.

i don't really have anything i feel like necessarily posting or "talking about," but i just want to wish everyone a happy christmahannukwanzaakah.  that's right.  say it out loud, it's only better.

yule was good, i missed all of the public festivities, which is ironic because last year i made it a point to go to each and every one of the yule celebrations i possibly could, which ended up being 3, madison's community yule, circle's yule, and another smaller one in some park which consisted of a few pagans freezing their asses off around a bonfire not doing much or anything... but alas... since we missed the public ones, by sheer accidental not-knowing-what-the-date-was... we decided to have our own at home.... so that was nice... had a little feast, got to spend some time AWAY from my troubles... and a bonfire into which i tossed several things that i would like to get rid of in my life (not the actual things, just the ideas written on paper.)

got a new book, it's like an encyclopedia of spells... over 5,000 spells.... so today mom and i went shopping for a few materials... with just a smidge of luck, not enough to get EVERYTHING i needed but enough to kick start me back into witchy-mode.... i have really decided that the only thing that's gonna get me through this whole ordeal is the goddess and a whole lot of healing. 

so get ready, universe, perky's back, and she's ready for some action.

sorry its been so long.

i guess for the most part i have just been trying to forget about stuff and let it bury itself...

we had to have our cat put down on tuesday. muramoto. technically he was jacks cat but i loved him like he was my own.

feline leukemia virus.

apparently he had it from birth and just supressed it for the year and a half he was alive. he didn't even get sick at all, until about a week before we took him into the vet because he was just wasting away. we thought maybe he was having a reaction to the food we switched them to... he was vomiting a lot, and then he just stopped eating... though he did eat the tuna i gave him the few days before his vet appointment. he was losing weight, and sleeping all the time, and when he wasn't sleeping, he would just lay on th floor and stare at his feet. by the time we got him into the vet, he was so anemic he only had 10 red blood cells in his sample, when 40 is normal, and of the white blood cells that they could find, which weren't very many, they were all cancerous. it was too late for treatment and he was basically just wasting away, probably a matter of days before he would pass. so we had him put down that day.... we were there for it... as traumatic and painful as it was, and still is, the vet was very supportive and i really like her.

since it is contaigous cat to cat, there was a big scare that katsumoto, my baby, would have it. he had his appointment on thursday... and the test came back negative. when the vet tech came in an announced it to the vet and i, dawn, the vet, was so relieved she even got tears in her eyes. how many doctors do you know will empathize with you like that. so at least that was a positive experience, and having an actual relationship with a vet is something i've never had before, so it was good. katsumoto is getting tested again in a couple of months just to be sure, though dawn says that if he ended up positive the next time it would be a total fluke, and the chances of him having it are very low now.

i have to get his medical records, and in order to access those i have to get ahold of my ex boyfriends mother, whom we adopted katsumoto from. i tried to call my ex today, and his phone number is changed, and his mother's number is not listed in the phone book, nor anywhere on the internet. i do have one more person i can call to get her number, so i will do that soon. the point of this whole thing is to make sure that he had the vaccine when he was small, because if he did then i can rest assured... but if he didn't, i will know that he, and i, are both fucking lucky.

anyways here's a poem-ish i wrote on wednesday.

This place is silent
The still cool mourning
On this first winter morning
I'm looking out your window.

The wind whistles throught the trees
Or it's the cars on the highway
A windchime tinkles sadly
My copper spiral. The clock ticking.

Your clock ticked too fast, my friend.
And hard it ticked up 'til the end.
Hard and Fast
That's how the young ones go.

Was it really just a week ago?
When you were chewing holes in my ramen?
I almost wish I hadn't ate it
Another thing to remember you by.

Another thing to throw away.
I found your favorite toy last night
There's probably no way to save it.
I'm sorry it was missing for so long.
I'm sorry you didn't get to play

One Last Time

I'm sorry we didn't know
And that we couldn't help you
I'm sorry for a lot of things
But mostly that you're not here.

we found out later that if we merely washed his ducky toy thoroughly that we could keep it.

going kitten shopping tomorrow.

we're planning on getting 2 more... and hiding one from the landlord, tehe.

after xmas, though, because we have to make sure katsumoto isn't a carrier. don't want to be setting ourselves up for more heartbreak. i did disinfect the entire house, and vaccumed all the carpets. still considering getting them like steam cleaned, but the vet said it wasn't necessary, but better safe than sorry, no?

here's a poem that mom wrote.

i only caught a glimpse of his essence--
what was that?didjasee it?didjahear it?
whadayougot, huhuhuh??ooo over there,whassat?
flopthudcrashwowwowHIHiHiHipurrrrrrrrrrrrr--
sleek,elegant, long-black-furred gorgeous goofball.
some might say he died today
but i do believe
the universe expanded.

well i think that's all i'll write for now.

i was taking a poop, and making rice. fyi.

AIM IM with missingdink
11:01 AM
hi
dont you love me anymore?
are you cheating on me with another man?
i knew it
you bastard
i hate you and your cat
i hope both of u rot in purgatory@
!
not @
arch
enemy
son of bitch pile of monkey nuts
respond damn it
fine dont respond
be a prick
or are you too ashamed of yourself to even type the words im sorry
god damn
you to hell
more specifically ....the nursing homes in hell, where it smells bad and everyone farts uncontrollably
i think you should post this entire conversation on your xanga
yup caues you would do something like that
cause you are unoriginal
and only i come up with good ideas
hahah
take that and stick in your ass roids.
11:05 AM
your too cool for me huh?
oh fine i'm done then
done for life
i don't want to see your ugly gefelta fish again
and that toothpick that you save from our first dinner
burn it
in a great toothpick bonfire
it will be a great fire
for a second
good bye forever... skanky hoe band
bang
you wish you were in a band
and trent doesn't love you
he had mad sex with me and josh homme the other night
and it was wonderful;
and marvolass
tschoos
ciao
adios
piss off
11:15 AM
You left the chat by logging out or being disconnected.
Reconnecting to missingdink…
missingdink is now online.
hey
you are hilarious. and i'm posting that on my xanga.

and also.  click this, bitches.  copyright meredith steele 2005.  so fuck off.

nin tonight.

clicky.

my birthday is tomorrow and i don't really even care... and that's weird for me. there's definitely something wrong with me... and no matter who i reach out to, nobody is wiling to or able to help.

there's really nobody i can talk to. they all live at least 3 hours away. that's you, tiff, and stephanie, and all of my "internet friends" like you, eric. and i don't like to trouble people with my problems, and show i hate showing weakness.

i am thinking i should find out how i can see a therapist for free. i think they let you do that if you are a UW student. i forget what they are called.

so. i'm in the CIMC (that's the Center for Instructional Materials and Computing, for all you lesser beings of knowledge.) waiting for my gigantic poster to print... and i'm going to be here for a while. a looong while. so that means a treat for you kids. it's halloween. it came early.

said treat, is, *drumroll* ME! ENDLESSLY RANTING! ABOUT NOTHING! until my poster prints, or i get sick of it. i think the latter will occur BEFORE the former.

at least i am finished with this crap before i anticipated. good thing we weren't doing crap for crap in the class i had today in this computer lab.... which just so happened to be the lab where i had to print off this huge poster for my OTHER class. how convienent. yes indeed. i thought i was going to be here until 10 at night... and who knows... i might be... depending on how long this printing business takes.

yesterday i went shopping with mommy and she bought me stuff from shakti. the relevance of this is that one of these items was a nifty new journal in which i am now currently writing, about everything. so now i have one more excuse not to update my weblog, because i will have gotten it all out on paper. it's just that a lot of the stuff that i am writing in there is waaaayy too personal for all you random people to be reading (taps on screen, realizes there is nobody reading anyways, frowns, pretends like its not true.) i always had journals, but it was always like categorized. i have had: relationship/love/sex journal, dream journal, wicca journal/book of shadows, yoga journal, and even, most recently, insecurity journal! so, hooray for neato new omni-journal. i'm even using it as my planner! woo! and then mom and i talked about crazy new-age shit that nobody wants to hear about because we're crazy and we love it... and deepak chopra thinks i rock.

so i just checked on my poster situation and the girl said that the poster that has been processing for over an hour shuold be out in the next 10 minutes, and since the person next in line and right before me has 3 posters and is gone/picking them up later, she'd put me next. woot.

in other news--they closed the pool at my apartment. sad. now there is no pretty view at night time from the bedroom and master bath.... just a black cover over what used to be an aqua glittering glowy vision. meh.

and also... laurel (that would be my older sister) fell off her bike last night, after she dropped her cell phone and slammed on the brakes, flying off the front/left of her bike, and injuring her elbow in some fashion... i think it's probably what i did to my elbow when i fell off of a car (yes, ladies and gentlemen, i fell off a car. while it was moving.) and then it's probably not broken. she doesn't have health insurance, so if she DID break it, she's in even deeper financial doo-doo. i'm supposed to go see her tonight and get some stuff that mom dropped off there and maybe watch a movie, i dunno. we'll see when i get out of this electronic hell-hole.

right now i am hungry. and tired. except i slept for like 11 hours, so it's the kind of tired where you just want to hibernate and do nothing. and my toes are cold, so that helps with the hibernation-desire.

OH i know what i can write about.

i beat a guy up this weekend. fuck yeah i am awesome. well ok, we all know i am exaggerating when i say i beat him up, because honestly, i tend to sway to the "lover" side of "lover vs. fighter" even though i have a lot of pent up rage and a superhero complex, i've never really been in a physical fight.

so, tiff was in town, and was busy all weekend except for friday night and she didn't even get into town until about 1am, but i, being the trooper that i am, after working for 9 hours, (how many? 9. heh.) went out to state street, the plaza to be precise, which is actually NOT on state street, but close enough, and was ready to have a good time. we were at the bar, waiting to order our drinks, and there is the mandatory wasted 40 year old gross guy (you know, the ones who hang out on campus trying to hook up with drunk college girls, those bastards) swaying around in his chair, looking like he was either going to fall over and pass out, or puke all over everyone, so we took our precautionary few steps back into the crowd move every time he swayed in our direction. it was humorous, yet, annoying, and gross at the same time. please don't puke on me, drunk pervy guy. so, this guy swerves dangerously out of his chair and manages to land on his feet as if it were intentional, and starts coming towards tiff and i, and starts to grab at tiff, what else, like he was going to molest her or hurt her or something, he had this completely "gone" look in his eyes, and he was sayign absolutely nothing, he wasnt even trying to say anything. he looked like a zombie. so tif's first reaction is to flee, while my first reaction is to protect the tifferly, who is trying to hide behind me while whis big stumbly gross guy is trying to get ahold of her. i put my hand on his chest and pushed him back enough so that he knew he was engaging me, not her... and i said "whoa buddy, what do you think you're doing" and he just looks at me incredulously, like he doesnt hear me at all, and then be grabs MY wrist. first of all, i am wearing this brand new bracelet that i had made just that very evening, and it's stabbing me in the skin from all the dangly parts. so it hurts. just enough. i try to pull my arm free without much force and he tightens his grip like he means to hold on to that arm. so i gave him three warnings. "let go of my arm" "take your fucking hand off me" "let go of my arm right now" and he still stares, like he doesnt even know where or WHO he is, and so i decide in that crucial moment to use the tae kwon do knowledege i managed to retain from my first year of college, and i did a basic hold-braking self defense move, where you whip your arm out in a circle away from yourself and his hand slipped free, which is what is supposed to happen, even though every time i tried it with jack he's too strong and knows that i'm going to try to escape because that's what people do when you're like hey let me practice his hold break. yeah ok. so i break the hold and immediately bring my hand back at the end of my big circle and then punch him in the chest as hard as i can (with my left hand, which isnt very hard), and he goes FLYING back into the bar, bumping violently into the people behind him who are then yelling "HEY" because inevitably, their drinks got spilled, and the guy just looks at me with astonishment. i yelled something about not fucking with me because i have martial arts training, but by that time tiff was pulling me away back into the crowd to escape.

so that's the story of how i beat the guy up in the bar.

update on printing status: guy whose poster was taking forever to process--it didnt' work. so that sucks for him. but that means i am next and it's processing right now, so it should be printing shortly. of course, my file is huge, that shortly might become longly. who knows.

so i'm sick of writing... which is what we predicted would happen afterall, so don't be too sad.

a very merry unbirthday to us! to us!
(my birthday is october 5th, coming up, people, what are you getting me?!)