June 5, 2006

• i love how stupid i am.

  yeah so it's funny that i can remind myself to not close this window while i open a new tab to look up the number for chinese food, and then go right ahead and close it anyways, and when it asks me if i want to close the window i have two options: yes, and cancel.  so i click cancel.  it closed it anyways... and i lost about an hours worth of writing.  mother.  fucker.  i am like in tears.

  god i am so mad at myself i don't even want to write again even though i remember the gist of it and can probably rewrite it better anyways.  i hate it when i do that.

  i will, however, rewrite it, because it's for dan.

  i remember the subject was "fake tans are in."  completely random.

  anyways, it started out, me saying:  it's really depressing how clueless i used to be.  i just read through as much of my blog backposts as i could handle, which is until about november of '04.  if you've read my backposts you will not have read anything about jack after our relationship started to fail and after it had failed, because i deleted them.  this was because his students were stalking him online and there is personal shit that 13 year olds really don't need to know about their computer teacher.  see, i really am a nice person.  the posts that remain about jack are really old, from when we were first dating and apparently i had the idea in my head that we were perfect for eachother, when in actuality, we were completely incompatible from the start and i was just fooling myself.  it sounds a little harsh i guess, and there were a lot of things that led to the ultimate destruction of jack and i, but i am glad that we are able to remain friends and roommates without much conflict and we know each other well enough now that we can have arguments and be perfectly fine with each other the next day.  it's nice to have a friend at home.  i am not necessarily happy that things did not work out between jack and i, but i am happy that things ended up the way they did, because they have landed me in the situation that i am currently in.

  anyways that was a tangent from the original post.  the point is that it's weird to think that i've come this far and i can look back and see with clarity and realize how much i have changed since last summer and before.  i remember the healing process and it was not so long ago but things are just so completely different now, it's ridiculous.  it's ridiculous because now i know that i am genuinely happy in a relationship and i am not just tricking myself into some kind of false happiness.  i've tried to think about it, think to myself, what is making me unhappy in this new relationship, and there really just isnt anything.  it's amazing.  amazing i tell you!  i've never been in this position before!

  i feel like i am being spoiled, because i am not used to such kindness, such affection.  i am not used to my boyfriend being so nice to me.  i'm not used to people going out of their way to make me happier, more comfortable, more satisfied.  it makes me want to spoil him back, even if sometimes i don't know what to do or say to make him feel that way, but i try.  and i think it might be working.   it feels like we are perfectly matched, a true yinyang, and i read in a post from last spring when cougar gave me a lot of advice and he asked me what i really want out of a relationship, and after a lot of thinking i came up with "to feel the exact same about the other person as they feel about me."  and i really feel that i may have found this.  can i get a hallelujah.

  now don't go thinking that this is a negative statement, because it isn't, but i am terrfied.  terrified of losing this feeling.  terrified of not being sublimely happy with dan forever.  it's so precious to me that i am so afraid it's going to slip away.  i texted him this today, and i think it should be our relationship motto "I can't wait to be happy with you forever."   it doesnt make a lot of sense but i feel like it makes perfect sense for me right now.  i guess i am just scared that as time progresses the same-feeling-ness that we have right now will start to tip in one direction or the other, and maybe one of us will start to hold a grudge for tipping the balance and i really just can't even stand the thought of that right now.  it makes me nervous.  and i know being nervous about it only makes it worse and more present and more dangerous but i can't help it.  i can't stand the thought of feeling any differently about dan.  i only want it to keep getting better.  yes please. 

  it might sound like i am being insecure again and maybe i am just a little, but it doesnt really bug me.  i'm too happy to care.  i'm too happy for it to get to me.  and what else is there to do besides wait and see and enjoy myself and my boyfriend.  afterall, i am sublime.

  so if i were going to sum up this whole idea i had in my head in a sentence or two, it would be: it's depressing how deprived and blind to it i used to be.  i am truely happy right now.  thank you, dan.  i really appreciate it. <3

  • 7:23 pm
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