May 16, 2006
-
pj pants are depressing
so i realized today that most people generally don't post personal stuff about themselves online (excluding the teenage girls on myspace who post their phone numbers, addresses, and life stories in their profiles and blogs and then proceed to obtain sexual offender stalkers who kidnap them and... well the rest is up to your sick imagination, you sick fuck!) but i'm talking about stuff people generally don't want other people to know. and this led me to the conclusion that maybe when people do post personal things about themselves, including, but not limited to, their love lives, they are probably just looking for attention. what's sad about that is i totally just described myself. there are more than a couple people who probably read this (if they didn't remove me from their lists because i didnt post for a long time) who i probably DON'T want to know all of this shit. and that makes me a little attention-starved whore who is just looking for someone to sym/empathize, or looking for some kind of validation.
admitting there is a problem is the first step to recovery.
onward to more of the personal things that people should probably not know about:
stalking people on the internet is something i have recently become pretty good at. finding and reading people's blogs, and then going on and reading their ex-girlfriends blogs, reading anybody who makes comments on blogs/profiles that sound flirtatious' blogs, and generally doing things that are not good for ones mental health. i seriously doubt that this is a rare occurance in womens' lives... maybe it's part of my newfound courting ritual... if i stalk them for long enough and find only a few minute things that bug me, maybe they are good enough for me. (in retrospect, finding 80,000 porn sites and links to myspace whores' booby profiles in your already-boyfriends' browser history should have been a good indicator that said boyfriend was not good for me.)
it started out with an ex boyfriend, right around the time i started my OWN secret blog, when i found out he had a new girlfriend. now, my jealousy was completely unjustified, because i was the one who broke up with the psycho in the first place (no offense, will, if you read this, but you WERE psycho back then.
) then i decided that just stalking him and his new gf was not good enough, and i started leaving "anonymous" messages on her lj saying that he was cheating on her, etc. eventually i was caught and confessed and realized i was a sick fuck, just like the rest of you. i got over it, and moved on with my life. good, great, grand. all better. apparently not. i'm not going to go into detail about my last relationship, because there is a possibility that there are people reading this who know him and things from my perspective planted into their little heads could damage his reputation and job. i've dealt with this shit, and i'm pretty far along the road of recovery. i dont feel the need to discuss it any further, but lets just say my "stalking" crossed lines of privacy, and ultimately the entire scenario was what brought our relationship to a crashing end. leaving my already damaged trust capabilities in a pile of rubble, with me standing in the middle, and the only thing left to do was try to build some sort of a shaky shelter out of the smashed bits. i think i did pretty good. i'm a crafty person, afterall. thank goddess.
i like to think that i am already over blaming people (person) for damaging my trust and thereby ruining many of my relationships since, but it all really goes back to that one person. sure, i've told myself a million times that i can't give him that power, that he hurt me, and that i let him do it and in the future it might happen again, that he doesnt deserve to have that over me. but that doesnt stop me from noticing that i was perfectly fine before that shit happened. i used to be secure!
anyways the whole point of why this matters to me right now is because i really like the afforementioned-in-the-last-post lalaboy, and in my digging today i found a couple of things that i want to talk to him about, and even though they are important to me, i know that talking to him about them will make it all better, and maybe rest my prying soul to ease. sure, he's got skeletons in his closet, but i think i like his skeletons. <3
sweet my clothes are dry i can put on something besides pj pants...
which means i can also stop whining.
