November 20, 2005

• sorry its been so long.

  i guess for the most part i have just been trying to forget about stuff and let it bury itself...

  we had to have our cat put down on tuesday. muramoto. technically he was jacks cat but i loved him like he was my own.

  feline leukemia virus.

  apparently he had it from birth and just supressed it for the year and a half he was alive. he didn't even get sick at all, until about a week before we took him into the vet because he was just wasting away. we thought maybe he was having a reaction to the food we switched them to... he was vomiting a lot, and then he just stopped eating... though he did eat the tuna i gave him the few days before his vet appointment. he was losing weight, and sleeping all the time, and when he wasn't sleeping, he would just lay on th floor and stare at his feet. by the time we got him into the vet, he was so anemic he only had 10 red blood cells in his sample, when 40 is normal, and of the white blood cells that they could find, which weren't very many, they were all cancerous. it was too late for treatment and he was basically just wasting away, probably a matter of days before he would pass. so we had him put down that day.... we were there for it... as traumatic and painful as it was, and still is, the vet was very supportive and i really like her.

  since it is contaigous cat to cat, there was a big scare that katsumoto, my baby, would have it. he had his appointment on thursday... and the test came back negative. when the vet tech came in an announced it to the vet and i, dawn, the vet, was so relieved she even got tears in her eyes. how many doctors do you know will empathize with you like that. so at least that was a positive experience, and having an actual relationship with a vet is something i've never had before, so it was good. katsumoto is getting tested again in a couple of months just to be sure, though dawn says that if he ended up positive the next time it would be a total fluke, and the chances of him having it are very low now.

  i have to get his medical records, and in order to access those i have to get ahold of my ex boyfriends mother, whom we adopted katsumoto from. i tried to call my ex today, and his phone number is changed, and his mother's number is not listed in the phone book, nor anywhere on the internet. i do have one more person i can call to get her number, so i will do that soon. the point of this whole thing is to make sure that he had the vaccine when he was small, because if he did then i can rest assured... but if he didn't, i will know that he, and i, are both fucking lucky.

  anyways here's a poem-ish i wrote on wednesday.

  This place is silent
  The still cool mourning
  On this first winter morning
  I'm looking out your window.

  The wind whistles throught the trees
  Or it's the cars on the highway
  A windchime tinkles sadly
  My copper spiral. The clock ticking.

  Your clock ticked too fast, my friend.
  And hard it ticked up 'til the end.
  Hard and Fast
  That's how the young ones go.

  Was it really just a week ago?
  When you were chewing holes in my ramen?
  I almost wish I hadn't ate it
  Another thing to remember you by.

  Another thing to throw away.
  I found your favorite toy last night
  There's probably no way to save it.
  I'm sorry it was missing for so long.
  I'm sorry you didn't get to play

  One Last Time

  I'm sorry we didn't know
  And that we couldn't help you
  I'm sorry for a lot of things
  But mostly that you're not here.

  we found out later that if we merely washed his ducky toy thoroughly that we could keep it.

  going kitten shopping tomorrow.

  we're planning on getting 2 more... and hiding one from the landlord, tehe.

  after xmas, though, because we have to make sure katsumoto isn't a carrier. don't want to be setting ourselves up for more heartbreak. i did disinfect the entire house, and vaccumed all the carpets. still considering getting them like steam cleaned, but the vet said it wasn't necessary, but better safe than sorry, no?

  here's a poem that mom wrote.

  i only caught a glimpse of his essence--
  what was that?didjasee it?didjahear it?
  whadayougot, huhuhuh??ooo over there,whassat?
  flopthudcrashwowwowHIHiHiHipurrrrrrrrrrrrr--
  sleek,elegant, long-black-furred gorgeous goofball.
  some might say he died today
  but i do believe
  the universe expanded.

  well i think that's all i'll write for now.

  • 2:13 am
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